The Unseen Bonds: A Journey Through Complexes and Relationships
“Are you alive?” This question, simple yet profound, marks the beginning of a journey. A journey that started in my mid-thirties when I met Xavier, who introduced me to the world of father complexes from a Jungian perspective through astrology.
Recently, I’ve noticed a shift in this process towards the theme of mother complexes. Interestingly, similar themes have been appearing in my dreams lately. So, when my father had a dream of “his daughter going missing,” it wasn’t just a “dream.” As Xavier mentioned during the workshop of “Dynamics of the Subconscious”: “What happens in the dreams is reality for the subconscious.”
In my father’s subconscious, the absence of his daughter, me, might not be merely a “dream.” It seemed fitting. The term "Tsundere," a Japanese slang, describes a character type whose emotions and attitude are inconsistent. This character appears cold and indifferent on the surface but actually harbors passionate and affectionate feelings internally.
Both my grandmother and father are Capricorns. I feel like I’ve inherited that Capricorn, with Saturn (the ruling planet of Capricorn) positioned next to my Gemini sun. Looking back now, there must have been a bond between my grandmother and father that my mother and I couldn’t understand.
Even my grandmother’s decision to pass away when no one was around, a characteristic of someone who didn’t like to show vulnerability, seemed typical of her. From that perspective, I’ve been pondering lately whether the sudden illness my father experienced last summer was also part of his process of grieving his separation from my grandmother.
If my father has a mother complex, it’s only natural that his relationship with my mother, his partner, would be affected. Xavier also addressed this theme during the workshop and it was very insightful for me.
Until then, whenever the couple clashed, the reason was always either the presence of my grandmother or the fact that I, their only daughter, was involved. There was always a “triangle.” Again, thanks to Xavier and my other line of interest which is a family therapy called Family Constellation, I came to understand that they avoided facing each other as a man and a woman by allocating them in this triangle. By the time I understood this, I was already in my late forties.
During this time, the “real crisis of the couple” arrived for my parents. They began to clash because of each other. At that time, I decided not to intervene and maintained a stance of “I won’t interfere.” But deep down, I couldn’t help but worry,
“Wait, what if they end up divorcing now, in this stage of their lives, what should I do as being their only daughter?”
I think they must have sorted something out between themselves without my knowledge. Since then, I felt that the atmosphere between them had changed slightly. Strangely enough, I started to sense “intimacy between a man and a woman” between them. Around that time, my mother started wearing the wedding ring she hadn’t worn for a long time, which was symbolic. When I mentioned this to Xavier, he said, “Putting the wedding ring back on is erotic. You can tell that the energy between the couple has changed.”
The price I paid for holding onto this fictional image of marriage and the couple had made me experiencing it firsthand after I got married.
After waiting two and a half years due to the border closures caused by the pandemic, my husband and I finally began living together. About six months into it, I realized that I had been afraid of facing my husband head-on. The energy that had accumulated from avoiding confrontation would occasionally erupt explosively from either of us. The bigger the explosion, the greater the impact, and I realized that I had been hiding the pain and struggle I felt during those times. Subsequently, having a “frank discussion” with my husband became the first breakthrough. Recently, I’ve gradually become accustomed to facing conflicts little by little, but I still feel like I have a long way to go.
Surely, there must be projections from my husband’s side as well. He grew up without knowing his father. Interestingly, just like my father, it was their shared “inevitable fate” of not being able to avoid it. Since my journey also started with my father complex, it wouldn’t be surprising if he had a mother complex as well. As it turns out, my husband’s mother is also a Gemini, just like me.